Wedding Bell Blues
How To Start To Talk Without Couples Counselling
Marriages are no more made in heaven then anything else that involves human relationships. More than half of all marriages end up in divorce, and a good portion of the other half that do stay together are not dramatically happy, they simply stay together often for the sake of the children or else to avoid having to pay out fortunes in divorce payments and alimony; whilst secretly crying out in their heads for someone to help save my marriage. Now, whilst all of what I’ve said is true, you shouldn’t despair, or somehow feel that marriage is a bad idea, or a lost cause. Quite the contrary is true. It is simply that most people approach marriage in the wrong way. What they really need to first do is help to save their own marriages by being proactive, and I will discuss one great tactic to start doing that in this article.
Slowly a chasm can start to grow between you and your partner. It’s not dramatic. There are no fanfares or bells to sound warning you that you are in dangerous territory for your relationship, and that something needs to be done quick smart if you are going to be able to keep it ticking along nicely. No, instead of that it gets just a little worse, almost imperceptibly, until you don’t so much live in heaven with your partner, as become vaguely aware of their presence at the dinner table every night, where you share a few gripes with them about politics or what a hard time you are having at work.
For most couples a great place to start rebuilding your relationship is to each draw up a list of the things about the other person that initially attracted you to them when you first met. This is going back to the early building blocks of your relationship, and hence bypasses a lot of the later stuff which is probably the cause of the vast bulk of your arguments, and is the beginning of most couples counseling techniques, but without the high dollar per hour cost. Also, when you first met is a much clearer period of time then many other periods in your relationship. It will be something that both parties will be able to remember, and the only reason you or your partner won’t be able to come up with ‘reasons’ for their initial attraction is because the current state of your relationship is clouding their judgement temporarily. Try to get past that though, and come up with genuine answers.
What the exercise in this article and the ones in books like 1000 questions for couples does, is to recognise that simply by answering questions, or imagining that earlier time in your head, you can evoke what is called a ‘state change’ in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). This is where your mood changes suddenly, and in the case of these questions, hopefully for the better. If you were in a miserable mood, but then someone knocked on the door and told you that you had won the lottery. The next five seconds would be an example of how quickly a state change can happen in your mood. In short it is designed to improve communications between you, and in so doing improve your marriage. That is what the book and the attraction exercise are all about.
If you do manage to persuade your partner to see the process through to the end, then you will notice something very interesting happen. They will suddenly get a sparkle in their eyes that you have not seen around you for a good while. They will be thinking back to times when they were young. When the world seemed brighter. When they were in love. It won’t magically make all the problems in the marriage disappear, but it can mark a watershed in the relationship as a point when you both finally decided to have a proper attempt at repairing the relationship. So persevere, and see if you can get your partner involved. Your marriage will thank you for it.
The 5th Dimension – Wedding Bell Blues – 1969
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